And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
