70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
