Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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