I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
