Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
