I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
