i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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