The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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