Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
