I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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