i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
