Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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