Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
