I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
