I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
