i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?