I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
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All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
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I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.