Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
hotel room ftw
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
