my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
