if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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