well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
