Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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