There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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