I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
false alarm. still invincible.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
