I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
A bitchslap is in order.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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