1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
