When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
