Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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