.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
