How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I touched a dick in church today
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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