and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
