I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
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its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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