dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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