Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
