I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
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I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
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Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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