Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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