Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
