you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
