Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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