My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
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