Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Blood and glitter go together right?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
