Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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