I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
