She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
