you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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