My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
