really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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