Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
