He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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