My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
