I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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