What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
