saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
