I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
