K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
