i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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