i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
